doomed.

Yes, people tell me that I think too much. And I can’t deny that. Hours are spent with all sorts of toxic thoughts swirling around in that little head of mine. Of course there are certain constructive ones, but the toxic ones are truly a tad too damaging. I’ve probably repeated this a few million times, but I need to start blogging again. Channel all that insane amount of cranium energy into disquisition and poetry. 

So the first thing I saw upon logging in was my last post from April, about this person I was very much into then, but did not seem to reciprocate those damned feelings. Lo and behold who would have thought, we are an item now. 

It’s been almost 2 months that we’ve been seeing each other, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around that. I suppose the way we started was strange. We had been pulling and pushing around in this relationship even before we got together properly, for almost a year! I don’t suppose it’s the most conventional way to start a relationship. Even now, I feel like I’ve been classically conditioned to expect that we would pull away from each other after a while, even though it hasn’t actually happened. And that certainly isn’t very healthy for the relationship. 

I know he is trying to get used to this too. And I suppose I will patiently wait for the both of us to adapt to this strange new situation. 

Aha how strange it is that such a common and normal occurrence of getting into a relationship can be so uncommon and abnormal to the two of us. How strange we are! How strange it all is. For now I will just enjoy this strangeness, for I too am a little strange being.

I am undeniably attracted to you. I don’t know why. Actually I do know why. I have a soft spot for men who love their music and cats. I don’t even really know you. And I know you don’t like me back that way. And all the other people who like me that way, I can’t be bothered too much. Maybe it’s such that I like a challenge. I seek misery and can never be contented with contentment. Therefore I can never settle for someone or something that’s run-of-the-mill. I can never settle for something safe. I cannot like someone that likes me, in all conventionality of that word “like”, back.

I can’t like predictable situations. I can’t like men who chat me up in predictable manners. I can’t stand to know for sure what is going to happen next. It bores my brains out. 

I know you don’t like me and it makes me really sad. But I still like you nonetheless. Because I am uncertain of what will happen next.

I seek misery, and therefore misery seeks me.

Nice picture. But she needs to eat more.

robotcosmonaut:

Zhanna

via edwintse

Red doors. Why not?

(via notmybeautifulhome)

I suppose the only way to save my soul is to blog, blog out all my thoughts and release all my nerves. Apart from making music and acting of course. There are simply far too much going on in my head. It’s as if there’s too much energy for my 168cm frame to contain. Sometimes it gets so bad that my fingers tremble randomly for no particular reason at all. I could simply be sitting on the pavement smoking a cigarette, waiting for someone, and I find my hands shaking. Sometimes it gets so bad that there are 3 thoughts running in my head concurrently. Intense, fervent thoughts. And then suddenly they disappear, and I forget what I was thinking about. 

I fear that if I try too hard to contain all these, I will one day just explode. Sometimes when unreleased, all these potentially good energy, thoughts, emotions ferment within the crevices of my mind and body and become negative. And sometimes they overflow, and seep through the cracks of my hidden soul, squirming their way out to be released into open air. I unwittingly allow people to witness such fermented products of my head, and I dislike the results. It stinks, like how most fermented things stink, and it disgusts people, like how most fermented things disgust people. 

I hope things can possibly become better if I just type out all the nervous energy and thoughts overcrowding in my head. I thought I was too noisy online a while back, so I stopped. But I can’t. I can’t talk too much to people, because people generally don’t understand, for they only seek to understand themselves. I cannot expect to gain sympathy or a listening ear from others, because one’s overflowing problems can only irritate another. Everyone has their own problems to deal with, what makes mine an exception? 

Therefore, dear blog, I hope I don’t become arrogant and believe I can deal with myself without external help. I hope I don’t start neglecting you again after early signs of getting better. I don’t wanna see a psychologist again. They’re full of shit and textbook answers. Waste of money.

Hmmm cool list for checking out cool tunes!

disconaivete:

These are, in my humble opinion, some of the best songs released in 2011, in no specific order. I could make a very long list of songs, but I figured I’d keep it short with just the bare essential jams of 2011. All of these songs gave me goosebumps the first time I heard them and most of them…

Back when I was a Jehovah’s Witness, I remember how our family was ostracized and seen as black sheep, because there were so many problems with our family. My mum was avoided by other “sisters” because she fell into depression after the divorce, and was never happy. The children, my brother and I, were avoided by other children who were told by their parents not to “associate with us”, because it was hard for us to be happy given our family circumstances. We were not happy kids, and that made us look like unfaithful children, unfaithful to God, like we were not happy because we weren’t serving God the right way. So they avoided us because according to 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Bad association spoils useful habits.” 

In fact it wasn’t just us who were ostracized for being unhappy. I remember that people flocked around those who always looked happy, “serving Jah with whole-heartedness and positive mindsets”. These were seen as the good associates, those who really wanted to serve God. So hanging out with such ones would instantaneously make people look like the good Witnesses.

Those that looked downtrodden were often left alone. Not happy looking, that means not doing something right in the eyes of God la. Sometimes “brothers and sisters” tried their darnedest to mask things by giving such ones “encouragement”, but it was mostly superficial, because our Bible literature said that’s what we should do. But that was about it. To actually talk on a deeper level and truly understand that person? Naahh not gonna happen. Cuz elders never say must do that what. They just said “give them words of encouragement from time to time”.

I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time, but never did. Not for any particular reason, neither was I holding back. But I just didn’t feel compelled to say it. I’d just say it now to wrap 2011 up, before the world ends next year.

FUCK YOU ALL FOR RUINING THE CHILDHOODS OF MY BROTHER AND MINE!

FUCK YOU ALL SELF-RIGHTEOUS PRICKS WHO ARE IN THE ORGANIZATION ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF SOCIAL VALIDATION BECAUSE YOU CAN’T FIND THAT VALIDATION ANYWHERE ELSE IN SOCIETY.

FUCK YOU ALL UNDER ACHIEVING FUCKERS WHO THINK YOU ARE ACHIEVING SOMETHING BY TRYING TO IMPOSE ON OTHERS THAT THE ONLY WAY TO ACHIEVE IN LIFE IS TO SERVE GOD IN THAT ONE AND SAME WAY THAT YOU THINK IS THE ONLY RIGHT WAY TO SERVE GOD.

FUCK YOU ALL FOR TELLING ALL THE CHILDREN THAT WE CAN’T HAVE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE ORGANIZATION, AND WE LISTEN TO YOUR SAYINGS, ONLY TO BE SHUNNED BY YOU IN RETURN.

FUCK YOU ALL FOR JUDGING, AND LYING THAT YOU ARE NOT JUDGING. 

If you could all just use your brains up and think about it, those that look happy are only happy because they feel like they belong. Everybody else looks happy when they’re home, when they’re in a place that they feel they belong to. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that their hearts are pure and good. They’re just getting the social validation that they thirst for. It doesn’t mean that they are wholesome and kind. 

Even if they do wholesome and kind deeds, most of them are only doing it because the ELDERS told them to do so. Would they do the same if nobody “encouraged them to do so so that God will favour them”? Honestly? 100% yes? Or no?

Those that don’t look so happy, simply are not of the same wavelength! It doesn’t mean that they are fucken BLACK SHEEP or bad-hearted people. Just not same clique la. Judge what lan jiao? It doesn’t mean that they love God any less, or wanna serve God any less. It doesn’t mean they have bad characteristics!

If you people would just open your eyes, crawl out from under your fucking moss-covered rocks, and take a look at how normal people actually operate, that’s how it is. 

I am fucking happy with my music friends, my like-minded friends. But place me in a clique of shopaholics, I’d look like an awkward turtle. That’s just normal human behaviour! Because we have different wavelengths! Not cuz I’m a loser or anything. 

If any JW were to read this, I know I’d instantly be condemned as an APOSTATE, in JW terms, the highest form of sin anyone can ever commit.

According to JW law, an apostate is an ex believer who has been influenced by the Devil to intentionally twist the truth and slander the organization in order to sway potential believers and existing believers from joining the faith. 

But you know what? I’m just telling the truth straight from my heart. 

Yamu yamu!! <3 <3 <3

e-pic:

by anan.

(via black-and-white)

Just like every other year, 2011 was very eventful for me, just like 2010 was.

I discovered a lot more about myself as a person. I came to terms with my anger management problems, and as a result became a very much less angstier person, more accepting, more calm at heart. I guess this was also the “wrapping up” of my mental problem. I don’t foresee that it would ever go away, but things are so much better now in regards to my mental health. 

I suppose I saw my flaws very clearly when I had a huge fight with 2 of my best friends, Fel and Cindy, over the stupidest things. Simply because I couldn’t control my angst and emotions. Thankfully the both of them are the most gracious and patient girlfriends in the world, and they talked me through my anger, even though most of it was clearly my own fault. Without them, I probably wouldn’t become a better person. For that, I just want to thank the both of you so much, for your lasting and long-suffering friendship. Thank you for sticking through with me despite all my crazy emotional outbursts and temperaments.

I had my virgin touring experience with Monster Cat in Japan. It was just an extremely mind blowing experience. I learnt so much and grew so much as a musician. I feel truly blessed that I got to do this in my lifetime, even though it is only once that I have done it. Meeting so many new people of a different culture, learning from them, playing for them… It was just amazing. Thought it was also shortly after that the band decided to move on without me. 

Playing for Monster Cat definitely helped me to grow a lot as a musician as well. The members were extremely disciplined, and certainly taught me a thing or two about how hardworkingness can truly pay off. Some people have speculated that we didn’t part on good terms. I’ll be honest here. We didn’t part on BAD terms per se. We are still civil to say the least. But we didn’t get along whilst I was in the band. I suppose it was mostly because our working attitudes were far too different. They were very very very hardworking, at times a little too hardworking I have to say. While I on the other hand am very laidback, and I’d rather enjoy the process. They were at times too uptight about many things. While I was too flighty, dreamy. They couldn’t understand me, and I couldn’t understand them. Different frequencies I suppose. So the break up was inevitable. 

Despite all that, I still maintain that playing for Monster Cat was one of the best things that happened to me as a musician. 

Apart from growing as a musician, I grew a lot as an actress too. I suppose the turning point came for me when I got cast as the lead character in Costa Rican director, Nicolas Pacheco’s, feature film, Knock Out Pout. It wore me thin both mentally and physically, as we had to shoot every single day for close to 3 weeks. I had always been acting in short films, so this was really something new for me. But I enjoyed every bit of the whole period of filming. 

Nicolas was a great director who saw the importance in extreme subtleties. Even a single twitch of the eyebrow or different levels of intensity in a stare would catch Nicolas’ attention. Because it really would affect how my character expressed herself, and the general mood of the scene. I felt like a poor actress many times, and I felt like a great actress too when I could emote like how Nic wanted me to emote. It wasn’t easy. 

I just wish more Singaporean directors would place more emphasis on subtleties too. There are some who do, like Ler. But we need more like-minded directors.

In 2011, I also lost love, found lust, lost myself, found love, lost love, and found myself again.

A mighty roller coaster ride I must say, which I will come out of unscathed. Because I am feisty and spirited that way.

I don’t expect 2012 to be any less eventful, especially with the production of my debut solo EP, Strange Places to Meet. I can’t wait to see what happens next.